Time to come out: I am insecure!
When was the last time you admitted feeling insecure?
As if giant magnets hidden in the floor, prevented my legs from walking I stopped instantly. My attention was drawn to a handwritten message on the bulletin board:
“To be able to say that you are insecure every now and then, you need self-confidence”
‘Says who?!’ I said out loud.
Luckily nobody heard me and I made my way to the physiotherapy exercise hall. The quote triggered me for some reason and I felt anger bubbling up. Sitting down to put on my trainingshoes, immediately a burning pain started traveling through my lower back into my buttocks. After months of progress an iritating nerve pain had come back again. Nobody could tell my what caused it. I had been living with chronic pain since 2020 and it was the reason to start writing.
It made me not only angry. I felt powerless and fed up having to deal with this major setbacks. The last thing I needed right now as means of encouragement that it is ok to feel insecure! The rest of the training I did not pay much attention to the people around me. I turned my anger into energy and managed to work through all the exercises. At one point the physiotherapist even had to slow me down. By the time I got home I was exhausted. Too tired to hit the showers I lay on the couch I asked myself:
‘When was the last time you said out loud: ’I am insecure?’
The outside world will see and know me as pretty social and outgoing. I get along with everyone. For over twenty years I participated in major projects, hosted big meetings. Speaking in front of a crowd was never a problem. So I am the last person to admit I am actually insecure.
In June this year a feeling of insecurity possesed my mind. Why did I bother writing every week about my quest to find back my writing style?!
In an impulse I decided to write about it and share my writings in a closed Facebook group to a group of women I don’t know.
When I hit the share button I closed the laptop immediately. Not wanting to know the reactions. After a day or so I dared to read the incoming messages. Somebody wrote:
‘Thanks for sharing. This is really eye-opening!’
A feeling of relief went through my vain
It fueled me all through the summer. I was on a writing flow, posting weekly a short story. Up until few weeks ago. Now that the pain levels in my body made my brain go more foggy, writing became a bit of a struggle. Feelings of insecurity crept back in my mind. Would it help to get some encouragment from outside? I asked myself. To try this out, I rewrote a short story for a monthly writing contest for short story writers like me. The story got on the long list and I got some good feedback:
“The story has a certain speed in it and a strange kind of tension. Even though you largely know what is going to happen. But you want to keep reading on anyway.”
The story did not make it to the short list. But amid of writing with a foggy brain it made me fuel up my self confidence again.
A few days later I walked into the local candy and licorice store. I had promised the owner a bag of typical Finnish licorice. We started talking about all the sugars in candies and dental care. The conversation soon changed into braces. The shop owner wondered out loud:
‘Why do nowadays kids get automatically braces when their teeth look a bit crooked?’
I answered:
‘Is it because we adults think it is the solution to make kids feel more secure about themselves?’
She replied:
‘Or that we adults think ‘eenheidsworst’ is the solution to feelings of insecurity.’
Me:
‘Every teenager has feelings of insecurity. Wouldn’t it be better they first learn how to deal with that and cope. And then decide to get some braces?!”
“Yes, yes! You are so right!”
The shop owner replied.
As I walked away through a small alley I wandered if there is a connection on struggling with my spoken and written and the need to fuel from the positive feedback of people. Why do I let all those negative voices of the past shout in my head? Making me go back into that overwhelming feeling of insecurity? After all I am a sensible adult turning 50 soon!
To be able to understand, I need to dig a little bit into my past…
Next time!